Humor heals all - how about some Tiger jokes?

Before the jokes, this story broke overnight. This is NOT one of the jokes, it actually happened.

Tiger's request to a former "friend" to remove her name from her cell phone, cuz his "wife may have found" her number, raised some eyebrows. You can hear Tiger's voicemail here.

Tiger finally speaks, it is here.

And, now for the jokes:

Apparently the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing

Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway. Rock me.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a golf ball.

Dog lovers say, "you boned her" and "I didn't bone him." No comment from the actual dogs involved

Tiger and his lovely bride apparently had a bit of a argument, during which Elen hit Tiger in the head with a golf club. After confronting Tiger with the latest of many rumors of his whoremongering, and his subsequent denial, Elen put her four iron in the rough (aka, the back of Tiger's head).

Tiger and his lovely bride enjoy a little heavy petting

The alleged mistress, Rachel Uchitel, swears she never saw his "putter" but did get to see him do some "driving." While much speculation abounds, I think we all know what she meant by "his putter." Don't we? Yes, we do.

Rachel, also a dog lover, insists she did nothing inappropriate
(why do none of the women I know wear high heels with their cutoffs?
I feel very cheated...)

What can we learn from this situation? Tiger's wife and girlfriend are pretty hot. Oh, and if you are gonna go in the rough, you may need a pitching wedge.

As a side note, Rachel has kept the dog theme and has hired Gloria Allred as her attorney for, possibly suing the National Enquirerer and TMZ for defamation of character. She claims that she will no longer be able to have sex with celebrities, cuz they will be, like, afraid to bone her now.

Disclaimer: No bitches were harmed in the making of this post.

Guy goes to jail for shooting himself. Really.

"No, really, I shot 'myself' with my own gun..."

What the hell has this world come to when a guy goes to jail for shooting himself?

This just plain crazy...

Well its been a very long time since my last post. I am still alive, but as shown in the picture below, I have been very despondent and obsessed with plastic. But on the bright side, I have some new killer boots!

My new boots are awesome!!

Me and my buddy at my Downsville, TX mansion

Hope you're having a kick-ass summer!!

Baylor Men's Basketball in Big 12 Championship

Lace Dunn and Henry Dugat have been shooting the lights out in OK City at the Big 12 tourney.


After upsetting the #1 seed Kansas, the Bears then beat Texas after losing to them 24 straight times. Thats 2 dozen times. Thats a beer for every loss, until you get to a case. Thats three times the John & Kate plus 8 kids. Thats 1.3 times the Duggar kids.

So the Bears play the Mizzo Tigers tonight for a chance to return to the Big Dance. If Baylor wins tonight, it would be the second consequtive year for them to make it to the Big Dance. So lift your glass, and say a toast to the Green & Gold today. And say a prayer of thanks for Drew letting Lace go berserk in OKC.

The Tigers are the higher seed, but we all know God loves Green & Gold. So here's to hoping God throws the game for us tonight.

Sic'em Bears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

President Hussein Obama

The president announced his intention to attempt to negotiate with terrorists on Saturday. This is just another in a long line of action by Obama to reverse Bush policies and standards. Although he may not realize that that particular policy has been in effect for several decades.


====================UPDATE================================


The Taliban today responded to Obama's noted announcement that he wanted to negotiate with the Taliban "moderates."


The article said, "Afghanistan's Taliban on Tuesday turned down as illogical U.S. President Barack Obama's bid to reach out to moderate elements of the insurgents, saying the exit of foreign troops was the only solution for ending the war."

"This does not require any response or reaction for this is illogical," Qari Mohammad Yousuf, a purported spokesman for the insurgent group, told Reuters when asked if its top leader Mullah Mohammad Omar would make any comment about Obama's proposal.

"The Taliban are united, have one leader, one aim, one policy...I do not know why they are talking about moderate Taliban and what it means?"

And while they talk like Aggies, you get the gist. It turns out the Taliban thought Obama's idea was stupid too.

When asked about his thoughts on the Taliban response, Obama responded, "shut the hell up cracker!"

Lost fishermen are given up on by Coast Guard

Nick Schuyler sits on the Capsized Boat in Gulf of Mexico
He was the only one found

The Coast Guard has called off the search for the missing fishermen. It must be very hard for the families of these men. At dark tonight, the search will be stopped. Coast Guard spokesman Timothy Close told reporters today, "We're extremely confident that if there are any survivors on the surface of the water that we would have found them."

A life jacket and ice chest were found appx 16 miles away from where the boat capsized. Please say a prayer for the 3 men not found and their families today.

Coast Guard must carry their hats to press conferences

The Bachelor finale gets crazy(er).

The Bachelor finale gets crazy(er).

"The Crying Turd," aka Jason Mesnick

During the finale of The Bachelor, the crying turd changed his mind and went with who he believed might be the love of his life. Forget Melissa, Poor Molly...

The girl is better off without this crybaby turd, who will likely change his mind in a couple more weeks. My wife's first comment was, "forget him you dummy, he's gonna leave you too!" Get yourself a REAL MAN who doesn't cry when he has a tough decision to make. I have a couple of friends I could introduce her to.

One is a brick-layer type. Tough, construction worker who I am pretty sure has never cried. The guy I affectionately refer to as "pervert" knows how to be a man. He can drive a tractor, has killed animals with guns, loves to drink beer and fart, and would be stupid in love with such a hottie. She could be assured of no crying.

The other plays pro ball. Lots of money, not "that smart" but is very generous, has a huge manly appendage, and could literally tear another man's head off if some guy was discourteous in any way. Once again, no crying.

When asked about the Crying Turd's antics on this season of The Bachelor, Michelle Obama commented, "eff that cracker!"

The President LOVES to cuss

The President has a VERY DIRTY MOUTH!!!!

Click the link above to see what I mean.

John Lovett hired as D coordinator at University of Miami

John Lovit(z)

John Lovett was hired as the defensive coordinator at the University of Miami. He was previously the D coordinator at North Carolina. The word on the street is that this will in no way affect John's stale comedic career.

Religion of Peace, My Ass

Muslim Praying (trying to hold fart)

The "religion of peace" is in the news again, thanks to the founder of a muslim TV station.

Muzzammil Hassan is in big trouble for beheading his wife. Apparently, he didn't know you couldn't do that in New York City. Hassan was quoted as saying, "We is marryed for lipfe. De bitch was diborching me, so I waxed herd haid off. Das de way we roll ass Muslim. You must reliss me, or you iss raysism."

From the website: "Muzzammil Hassan, who founded Bridges TV in November 2004 to counter anti-Islam stereotypes, surrendered to police Thursday. Hassan touted the network as the "first-ever full-time home for American Muslims," according to a press release."

When asked for a response, President Hussein Obama said, "shut the hell up cracker!"

George Anthony weeps during memorial service for Caylee

A memorial service for little Caylee Anthony was held this week. It was a very emotional service, celebrating the very short life of an extraordinarily adorable little girl. The grandparents of Caylee weeped openly, and were overcome several times during the service.

Little Caylee was murdered by her mother several months ago, and her body was found near her home.

Cindy Anthony, Caylee's grandmother, spoke about her sorry-ass murdering daughter by saying, "She (Caylee) got your beauty and your compassion, and she got your spirit."

I'm sorry, did you say "compassion?" This lady has obviously lost it due to her grief. Beating your child to death is NOT compassionate. Hiding your child's dead body, that you just killed in a plastic bag in a water-filled ditch is NOT compassion.

I hope the family finds peace during this time. I hope that Caylee's mom Casey gets her just punishment if indeed she murdered her own child in this manner. I hope that no other child has to endure what it appears this mother did to her own child. I hope.

Old-timey snowmobile

Sorry, but I cannot get a pic on of this thing, so here is something completely unrelated.

Little Turd kills a big deer - 41 points worth

This is a great video of a very early snowmobile. The video is a little long, but hey, you don't have to watch it all. You must see this thing. Movie from Liveleak, originally from Michigan or Minnesota.

Michelle Obama will not make the same mistakes Hillary Clinton made

Michelle Obama, throwin' the deuce, with emphasis on the nipple

Michelle will NOT make the same mistakes Hillary made as first lady. For instance, if Barack Hussein Obama cheats on her, she has publicly stated that she will, "castrate that MF'er my damn self!!" I ain't nobody's bitch!!"

And I don't give a damn about that picture in front of the flag, I still am ashamed to be an American! Ain't no amount of damn posturing by some cracker White House aides can change that!" This after some media members asking Mrs. Barack Hussein Obama about her comment made while addressing a group in a Milwaukee audience in February of 2008, during which Michelle Obama said, “For the first time in my adult lifetime I am really proud of my
country."

Democrats across the nation have applauded her decision, and Senator Daschle has decided to show his support by not paying his taxes again next year.

President Hussein Obama responded to his wife's comments: click here

The first lady, when asked about her earlier comments responded, "shut the hell up cracker!"

Obamas show their passion for children this week

The Obamas surprised a school this week by visiting them and having an impromptu question and answer session. The kids were excited to have the president and first lady in their school. It was a great opportunity for the Obamas to show they care about kids.

Michelle Obama says, "shut the hell up cracker!"

The questions ranged from the cute to the obvious.

Rasheed: "Do you like being president?"

El Presedente`: "I like all the power and stuff. Its cool."


El Presedente`: "Does anyone know why they call my office the "Oval Office?"

Julio: "Cause its occupied by a zero?"

[end of question and answer session]

editor's note: Julio is now residing in Costa Rica again after his parents were deported. Senator Daschle is expected to find a replacement house keeper very soon. If you know someone, please email the senator.