Humor heals all - how about some Tiger jokes?

Before the jokes, this story broke overnight. This is NOT one of the jokes, it actually happened.

Tiger's request to a former "friend" to remove her name from her cell phone, cuz his "wife may have found" her number, raised some eyebrows. You can hear Tiger's voicemail here.

Tiger finally speaks, it is here.

And, now for the jokes:

Apparently the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing

Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway. Rock me.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a golf ball.

Dog lovers say, "you boned her" and "I didn't bone him." No comment from the actual dogs involved

Tiger and his lovely bride apparently had a bit of a argument, during which Elen hit Tiger in the head with a golf club. After confronting Tiger with the latest of many rumors of his whoremongering, and his subsequent denial, Elen put her four iron in the rough (aka, the back of Tiger's head).

Tiger and his lovely bride enjoy a little heavy petting

The alleged mistress, Rachel Uchitel, swears she never saw his "putter" but did get to see him do some "driving." While much speculation abounds, I think we all know what she meant by "his putter." Don't we? Yes, we do.

Rachel, also a dog lover, insists she did nothing inappropriate
(why do none of the women I know wear high heels with their cutoffs?
I feel very cheated...)

What can we learn from this situation? Tiger's wife and girlfriend are pretty hot. Oh, and if you are gonna go in the rough, you may need a pitching wedge.

As a side note, Rachel has kept the dog theme and has hired Gloria Allred as her attorney for, possibly suing the National Enquirerer and TMZ for defamation of character. She claims that she will no longer be able to have sex with celebrities, cuz they will be, like, afraid to bone her now.

Disclaimer: No bitches were harmed in the making of this post.

John Lovett hired as D coordinator at University of Miami

John Lovit(z)

John Lovett was hired as the defensive coordinator at the University of Miami. He was previously the D coordinator at North Carolina. The word on the street is that this will in no way affect John's stale comedic career.

Morgan Freeman in Serious Car Accident

The Great Morgan Freeman

So Morgan Freeman was involved in a serious car accident this weekend. At the time of this writing he is in serious condition in the hospital.

This academy award winning actor has been a favorite of mine for many years. His fine work includes: Million Dollar Baby, Seven, Driving Miss Daisy, The Bucket List, Bruce Almighty, Evan Almighty, Amistad, Nurse Betty and tons more movies. Not the least of which was his role as the narrator of the wildly popular film, March of the Penguins.

This blog wishes Mr. Freeman Godspeed in his recovery.

This blog also wants to know, "what the hell you doin' driving a 1997 Maxima?"

Well?

Smart Ass 8th Grader

Hero of Child Molestors Everywhere

For a 13 year old, this is major genius. He put up a myspace page about his principal, with some, lets say unflattering rhetoric. So the school suspends the kid, and now his parents are sueing.



According to the Myspace page (now deleted), the principal enjoys "giving students anal... and jacking off in my office..." In addition, the principal's heroes are Michael Jackson, Hitler and Sadaam Hussein and his "purple penetrator." And, he loves "gay movies." His other interest include, uh, copulating with the assistant principal.

Jackson with his next victim

BASEBALL, BEEN BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO THEM...

Well, I guess we all secretly knew, but its dissapointing still. Many of our heroes were busted today by the Mitchell report. It turns out our superstars were geting juiced as early as a decade ago, and likely before that.



Pettite was a surprise, but Clemens was not. TU has been running out criminals for years.

Hey dude, have you seen my car?


As a baseball fan it is majorly dissapointing to know that some my favorite players are mentioned in that report. Pettite, Miguel Tejada, Gary Sheffield (who has maintained that he did not use steriods) are among around 50 players the report names. As a baseball purist, it bothers me to know that the stars may be stars because of the substances they took.

Young Barry, undefiled

I know the arguments, Bonds would still be a homerun hitter, because steriods don't affect hand-eye coordination. I agree with that. Where I have the problem, is that with steriods, a routine warning track fly ball becomes a home run. And in Bonds' case, lots of them.

I hate to say it, but I hope they get punished.

Live like a rock star

Well I just got back from the Cowboy / Packers game. What a great game! It was as everyone expected. Brett Favre has nerve damage in his arm, and was knocked out of the game.

It was shocking to see how many Packers fans were at the game. I am guessing around one third or more of all attending were Packers fans.

But the real treat for my son, poop jr, was that we got to meet several of the players after the game. In my work, I come into contact with pro football players, and after the game we were allowed into the VIP area and had nice visits with Marion Barber, Bradie James, and at least 6 other Cowboys. Also got to meet Tommy from the Martin show, what a really nice guy he is.

Poop jr was pretty blown away. He was shocked old dad got to live like a rock star. "You got cool friends dad!"

http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee29/deemus99/DSCN1921.jpg


What have you done that surprised and impressed your kids?