The Notorious B.I.G. Movie - "Greatest Movie Event of Our Generation" (really?)

You have to see the new movie according to its publicist. I have to admit, it took me by surprise to learn that this movie is "the greatest movie event of our generation."

See the trailer here.

According to its publicist, it is THE premier movie of our generation.

Gone With the Wind - Rubbish

The Wizard of Oz - Pure Trash

Saving Private Ryan - Who cares

Dances With Wolves - Line your bird cage with that crap

Apocalypse Now, Casablanca, Schindler's List? - Drivel

The Science Behind Sexual Attraction

Ever wonder why people are attracted to certain people? Really? Yeah, this chick was too.

Its a really interesting read, and I thought you might enjoy.

It's all starting to make sense now. My wife had DD's when we married, and for many years until some jackass named Atkins put an end to that.

NOBAMA IN 2008!!!!

My New Slogan

I try to be non-partisan when it comes to politics. As a Christian, I feel that I should weigh the issues and not play to the political sway from both parties. As a matter of fact, I feel that all politicians are big fat liars anyway. So I research and try to find one that supports issues I support.

It snuck up on me this year. I didn't have time to research much, but McCain seemed too closely tied to Bush, and I felt it was time for change. My friends told me, but I voted for him anyway. In the primary, I voted for Obama.

Another factor influenced me too. My sweet mother, God bless her, raised us to be color-blind, and to respect the influence of Martin Luther King Jr and the civil rights leaders of the 1960's. So, because he is black (well, kind of arab, white and black, but you know, at least part black) I jumped on the bandwagon. It would be great for our nation to have a president that has black in his heritage. It would show how far we have come as a nation in our quest for equality.

But his incredible shrinking head has become more and more visible. It is quickly becoming more apparent that he is in fact an empty suit. Maybe I was wrong. Sorry, I WAS wrong.

I have jumped ship. And I now support the hot librarian and the old guy.

The Very Hot Sarah Palin

If she makes it into office, she will be by far the best looking person ever in office. And I personally would love to see her in the news, as opposed to anyone else currently running.

I recently saw this website and thought you all might like to see it. Funny stuff over there.


You need to see this website:

http://www.nobama.com/?gclid=CIe62a7Z95UCFR-mQQodowqV4Q


Good luck in choosing your political candidate this year. But for me, Obama can "keep the change."

Sheriff's Department Cannot Operate a Fax Machine

Seal of Brazoria County, "Where Texas Began"

This is a true story. None of the facts have been changed, because of the stupity of the situation.

Recently while on vacation, I was ticketed for no insurance. It was in a car I rarely drive, and the ticket was promptly placed into the glove box and forgotten. Until this weekend.

I received a call from the Brazoria County Sherrif's office informing me of a warrant for my arrest for non-payment of the ticket. As it turns out, I just needed to show them my insurance card, which was not in the car, because I only drive that 4-wheel drive to the coast. Which also explains why I never saw it again. It hasn't moved since we returned from the coast.

So this morning, I attempted to fax my insurance card to the Sherriff's Department to resolve the issue. I faxed it and called. Not there. An hour later, i faxed it again. Not there.

At the risk of sounding like an ass, I requested that the clerk verify the fax machine had paper in it. It did. However, the toner cartridge is out. She didn't know how to change it, and even she did, she didn't know where they were kept. No shitting.

Our resolution, tomorrow, the "city lady" will be in (she only works a half day, no shitting) and she know how to change the toner cartridge. She will then print the fax, adjust the ticket, and see if I owe anything at that point. In the meantime, I should "try to not get stopped" or I might go to jail.

No shitting.

Two of Brazoria County's Finest, not the one who gave me the ticket

Chinese People Eat Weird Stuff

This is what a chinese person looks like

This guy has a strange new diet. I have heard of strange things being eaten by chinese people: rats, dogs and other things. But a canadian? WTH?

Morgan Freeman in Serious Car Accident

The Great Morgan Freeman

So Morgan Freeman was involved in a serious car accident this weekend. At the time of this writing he is in serious condition in the hospital.

This academy award winning actor has been a favorite of mine for many years. His fine work includes: Million Dollar Baby, Seven, Driving Miss Daisy, The Bucket List, Bruce Almighty, Evan Almighty, Amistad, Nurse Betty and tons more movies. Not the least of which was his role as the narrator of the wildly popular film, March of the Penguins.

This blog wishes Mr. Freeman Godspeed in his recovery.

This blog also wants to know, "what the hell you doin' driving a 1997 Maxima?"

Well?

The nursing double standard - tit for Tad

Golden Retriever Nurses Tigers

So at a Kansas zoo, a golden retriever has adopted tiger cubs, and is nursing them. Its such a heart-warming story that makes everyone go, "awwwwwwweeee." How cute!!

But there are questions that come to mind:

Will the tigers bark or growl?

Will the males now lift their leg when they pee?

Inquiring minds need to know.

Another story talks about a new trend in breastfeeding. It seems some moms have started "cross-feeding" their kids. That means Susan is now breastfeeding Janet's baby, and vice-versa.

A mom breastfeeding someone else's baby (click for the story) seems gross to some.

Is it a double standard? Should mommy boobies be reserved only for their own babies? Some argue its a natural progression in breastfeeding. Others would say its just icky.

What say you?? <-- your invitation to comment

Just a reminder that hunting season is right around the corner.

Sorry, I've been busy...

Its certainly good to be back (I love talking to myself).

I have been in hiding, and could not untie my hands in order to post.

Happy 4th of July.

Funny Blog

This guy really hits the nail on the head. And since I am beyond buried in tax season, and have had all my creativeness sucked right out of my brain, a little tidbit for you.

This will be really funny to some of you, and for those who it is not funny to, please go to church sometime. Then this stuff will also make you laugh.

Funny Site Link Here.

Please notice I made no mention of my incorrect prediction of the Kansas NCAA win. Let's face it pics of squids are funnier.

Basketball

Coach Calipari

Kansas v Memphis

In spite of Digger (boogers?) Phelps insistence that Memphis' inability to hit a free throw would remove them from the NCAA tourney. They made it into the final four, and are now in the championship game. While Calipari defended his boys by saying "they would hit the free throws when it mattered."

I thought he was full of crap. But while they have hit a paltry .613 for the season, they hit 20 of 23 against UCLA. Pretty salty.

And while they have a coach whose name sounds more like an appetizer at Macaroni Grill, you have to respect a guy who has gotten what he has out of a team from a second tier conference. Get your scissors ready Memphis.

Gratitude...

Well, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself last night and this morning. My Gentlemen Bears were ousted in the first round of the NCAA Tourney. I spent 3 hours in the dentist chair yesterday afternoon, (lovely way to spend a Friday afternoon) and my mouth is extremely sore.

Then today, I found out a couple things that have helped me have a little perspective.

A friend was riding his kids scooter last night. He now has a broken arm related to said scooter adventure.

But the worst I just found out. My daughter's best friend has a dad that is really into motorcycles. Last night while riding, he was hit by a car and had his leg severed. As in crushed, and fell off. Think lots of blood here. If you are the praying type, say a few for him please.

As for me, I have nothing to whine about. A couple Alleve will cure all my ills today, and I have no casts, and all my limbs. I am thankful.

Happy Easter!!!

Sic'em Gentleman Bears!!!

Lace Dunn spoils Sand Pirate "Senior Day"

Well Lace Dunn cooked up 38 points against the Sand Pirates Saturday. He was a man on a mission. And although he failed to meet my prediction for his point scoring, he was a man possessed. In scoring 38, he broke a Baylor freshman single game scoring record, and poised himself for a great NCAA tourney. Its the first time a Baylor player has scored that many points since 1988. Yes, I said 1988.





I had predicted that he would break the career points record in a single season. He did not. Although, technically he broke his own career record. Yeah me!

Look for the Bears to make it to the NCAA tourney on selection day.

Roll the Dice!!

Happy Tuesday!

RIP - Larry Norman

The Great Larry Norman

UPDATE - Yesterday while reading an interview Larry did, I read where he wrote the song, Why Don't you Look Into Jesus about Janis Joplin. His group People were performing a concert, and Janis was standing behind the curtain with a bottle of Southern Comfort in one hand, and a paper cup in the other. He was moved to write the song:

Sipping whiskey from a paper cup,
You drown your sorrows till you can't get up,
Take a look at what you've done to yourself,
Why don't you put the bottle back on she shelf,
Yellow fingers from your cigarettes,
Your hands are shaking while your body sweats,
Why don't you look into Jesus, He's got the answer

Don't go into shock, I am posting two days in a row. It is with great sadness that I must report one of my heroes, The Father of Christian Rock Music, Larry Norman has passed from this earth. His funeral was March 1st near Salem, Oregon.



When I was a radical Christian teenager, I loved Larry's no-compromise lyrics, and rockin' out tunes. I had never heard anything like it. From Why Should the Devil Have all the Good Music, to I Wish We'd All Been Ready he made music that sounded sort of like the Stones and Bob Dylan had a collision. Perhaps my favorite song, the Rock That Doesn't Roll depicted all that was great about Larry Norman's music. Larry was the originator of the "one way" hand signal, the index finger pointing upwards. The guy was a geniune pioneer.


He ended his life much like he lived it. He was writing music and trying to make an impact right up to the end. He also was pretty much shunning the spotlight, and music companies right to the end. In spite of his refusal to follow along with the main stream music companies, his ministry grew.

Excerpt from an interview with Contemporary Christian Music Magazine (CCM):

CCM: "What then was your view of the church?"

NORMAN: "I had no time for the church matrix. I didn’t think you needed a majority vote from the elders on the board to undertake a musical ministry. The churches weren’t going to accept me looking like a street person with long hair and faded jeans. They did not like the music I was recording. And I had no desire to preach the gospel to the converted. I wanted to be out on the sidewalk preaching to the runaways and the druggies and the prostitutes.

When non-believers used to criticize the church I would say, "Yeah, I agree and I think that God is disappointed in what people have done with Jesus." And then I would go on to talk about what Christ personally said and did. It worked. I wasn’t there to argue against people’s beliefs. I was there to talk about what God’s truth is."



Larry wrote a post at his blog shortly before his death. In that post he stated, I feel like a prize in a box of cracker jacks with God's hand reaching down to pick me up. I have been under medical care for months. My wounds are getting bigger. I have trouble breathing. I am ready to fly home. He was gracious in life, even at the end. This is a guy who gets it.


You can read more about Larry at his website, http://www.larrynorman.com/ (that there is a link).


You can also order his music there. I would suggest you start with In Another Land or The Best of Larry Norman, Vol I


Rest in Peace Larry, you will be missed.

Baylor Softball Rocks!!

Baylor women score again!

Baylor Softball is off to another great start, and my girls could not be happier. After losing 3 great players, maybe the best pitcher the team has ever had in the great Lisa Ferguson, some felt they might have a down year. But Coach Moore has the team on a roll with some very young players. This in spite of losing Ashley Monceaux, a College World Series all-tourney player, and Chelsi Lake.



Britney Turner has really come up big this year, showing shades of the greatness we all suspected. And Ms. Isham looks like she will be a force to be dealt with this season. Of course, Shortridge should continue to be power on the mound, as well as the plate. There are several new players that appear to be contributing already.



Jordan Daniels hit .643 (9-for-14) with two doubles, three home runs and seven RBI in Baylor's four games this past weekend. We may have to start calling her "Hammer" if she keeps spanking the ball like she is. Congrats on her Big 12 Player of the Week honors.



Sic' Em Lady Bears!!

Smart Ass 8th Grader

Hero of Child Molestors Everywhere

For a 13 year old, this is major genius. He put up a myspace page about his principal, with some, lets say unflattering rhetoric. So the school suspends the kid, and now his parents are sueing.



According to the Myspace page (now deleted), the principal enjoys "giving students anal... and jacking off in my office..." In addition, the principal's heroes are Michael Jackson, Hitler and Sadaam Hussein and his "purple penetrator." And, he loves "gay movies." His other interest include, uh, copulating with the assistant principal.

Jackson with his next victim

Hillary Clinton Showing how Deep Her Allegiance Runs, YYEEEESSSS!!!!

Weeeellllllll. It was only a matter of time before the truth came out. Based on her views on gun control and other issues, I suspected Billary Clinton had a secret agenda. In fact, many have accused her of having a secret agenda of bringing America to its knees. No matter what your opinion of her, I think everyone agrees on the fact that she is a major crazy bitch.

Below, see Billary pledging her allegiance to Hitler. Her gun control policies fit right in with his. You know its bad when the Klan decides to support Obama so Hillary doesn't make it to the White House. They usually like the whole Hitler, Arian thing - so you know she is bad news.

Hillary giving Hitler Salute

Meanwhile, a half a world away, Marines pray for one of their own. And that Billary does not make it to the White House. Reality. These guys are dieing to protect the very laws and rights that Billary wants to take away from every American.

Hope you enjoyed your freedom today

I predict Billary gets elected when this happens:

Hell Freezes Over

Turdpolishers.Com Coo Performed

Really horrible pic of my screenshot, sorry I will try for a better one.

One of my bad habits is to frequent Turdpolishers.com, aka, BaylorFans.com.

Its an eclectic group of neer-do-wells and kool-aid drinking fans of the B. They get in pissing matches frequently, and generally seek to become the most self-important, intolerant person on the board. While there are exceptions, such as Pale Rider, Simp13, Wooldog and a few others, this is the general rule.

Well, on a particular Saturday afternoon recently, while a B basketball game was in full swing, I logged onto the board. While my intentions were to just check it out and weigh in with my opinions, it turned ugly. Not ugly in a "I'm an internet tough-guy" kind of way. But ugly in a "there's no one else on this frickin board" kind of way.

After about 45 minutes of posting, I noticed that I had the last post on about half of every thread listed. So it began. In approximately and hour and 25 minutes I was the latest poster on EVERY thread on the board. Legends are born of this sort of thing interpeeps.

Now one might ask, how does one do this? Post at 4 am? Perhaps. Do you jam the board with mind control and overtake every possible poster? Perhaps. But in my case, I just started shooting off my mouth, which I must admit, I tend to do alot of. But as you will notice in the screen shot above, (ok, you really can't see it,) it occured in the middle of a Saturday afternoon.

And a legend is born...

Sports Briefs

Today's Sports Briefs

This just in: Last night in Highland Park a women's step class turned ugly when the women, who were on a 3 day retreat all had simultaneous gas expulsion. Authorities say the women had all swallowed bubble gum as part of a bonding class in an exercise of overcoming the fear of swallowing. Unfortunately, the lunch that day included generous portions of baked beans and cabbage. The picture below shows what happened.

What can happen when you swallow your gum

In college basketball news:

Bobby Knight resigns at Texas Tech. He told people, "...I'm old, and I'm just tired..." which may be code for another salad bar incident rumored to have taken place at the 50 Yard Line Restuarant. No matter what your feelings are towards Bob, he is a legend in college basketball. He will be missed. Maybe some other A-hole will emerge to provide us with shocking moments.

Thanks to our Friends at LandThieves.Com

One of Life's Most Embarassing Moments (for me)...

The end of the Baylor Master Tax Program was drawing to an end for me. Everyone was interviewing. I myself had several arranged. So my dear mother bought me a new suit to interview in, which was not only greatly appeciated, but desperately needed.


To say my clothes were not interview appropriate is an understatement. Granted, Baylor Homecoming sweatshirts, and Diadeloso t-shirts were great, but not your standard fare for the professional environment. Plus, I had gained around 40 pounds, so none of my old suits fit anymore. So off we went to Goldstein-Miguel's (how many of you remember that place?).


At the time I was working almost full-time and also attending the tax program full-time. Were it not for my wife, it would have been impossible to pull off. She was a tremendous blessing in my life and I love her dearly for all she did for me. One of those things she did for me, was to ready my suit for a big interview.


For you B business alums, you know that prior to the Enron debacle, Arthur Anderson Acccounting firm was "THEE" place to go to work. They took only the brightest and the best, so it was said. And to get a job there validated your existence on earth and confirmed your worthiness to enter heaven. From the moment we walked into the Arthur Anderson Student Center on the Baylor campus, we all knew it was the place to go. And if you were not hired by them, well, you should immediately stop your subscription to breathing air.

The God of Accounting in the 90's

So it was to be one of my busiest days in months. Two exams to take, three bids to submit at work (I was a construction estimator) and my big interview with the Tax Partner with Arthur Anderson. I was elated to get this interview, because I missed the sign-up and all of the interview slots were taken. Due to my excellent schmoozing skills I was able to obtain a 10 minute interview with the guy.


My schedule that day:


8:30am - submit bid #1

10:00am - Tax Practice & Procedures exam

12:30pm - submit bid #2


12:50pm - Interview with Arthur Anderson

1:10pm - Estate and Gift Tax exam

4:15pm - submit bid #3


So after bid #1 I picked up the suit from the tailor, and took it home so Mrs Poop could ready it for me to wear. "Make sure you take all the tags off for me!!" was the last thing I said as I slammed the door on the way to my 10am exam.


This day from the depths of hell allowed me about 20 minutes to go home, throw on the suit and get to the campus in time for the big interview. I made sure he knew how appreciative I was of him cutting his lunch short for a quick interview. My 10 minute interview went for about 4 minutes. I was not only confused, but devastated. No chance in hell I get a job after a 4 minute interview. With no AA job my life was now over, and any other job was an embarassment to the B.


I said all the right things, had an awesome resume, and just like Ryan Leaf, I looked good on paper and had great referrals. Why did he have that smug look on his face? Why did he cut the interview so short? I wondered this all the way to the restroom after the interview. No time now to worry, I had a big exam.


As I walked into class, everyone looked at me and smiled. "They like my new suit!" I thought to myself. "Too bad I'm married girls" I thought proudly. About then, my buddy "Bob" says to me, "Get a new suit?" Grinning from ear to ear, he holds out his arm and waves his hand under his arm like something was dangling there. What the...

As it turns out, the ONLY tag my damned sorry-ass wife removed was the BIG, GIANT, tag on the very front of the suit that said, "10% OFF." Yessir, I had the tag on the sleeve, which could only be seen by me looking in the mirror in the bathroom with my arm up to my face. At that point, I could also see the somewhat large tag hanging from the armpit of the coat. At that point, I prayed for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

Like this suit, only with big-ass tags

If you look in a thesaurus for the word "humiliated" you will see: shamed, mortified, disgraced, embarrassed, dishonored. I'm not sure all of those words together can convey how I felt at that very moment. It was the single-most embarassing moment in my entire life. Worse than my mom finding my "reading material" and way worse than when I came home drunk and had my car taken away for a month by my dad after I puked on his feet. This day, I would likely never forget. And I was pretty sure my classmates would always remember me as "the guy with all the tags on his suit." I must admit. I sat in a stall and cried a bit. As if I didn't have enough stress in my life with working full-time and going to school full-time, I had this to deal with.



At that moment, everything good I had done vanished, and only my blown interview and ticker-tape suit existed. How I passed that test I will never know. I had lost my ability to concentrate.




Well, we all know now what happened with Arthur Anderson and Enron. So I guess they have more to be embarassed about than me. Payback's a bitch. NA NA NA NAA NA. (yeah, I know they had the conviction overturned)



It all worked out. I went to work for a great small firm in the Dallas area with some amazing clientele. I did tax work for some very high-profile people for years, and was exposed to some the most cutting edge tax planning by the best law firms in the Dallas area. I got to see from the inside-out the big-picture of how it all worked and flowed from one entity to another. It turned out to be one of the best things to ever happen to me.



Now, I have my own CPA firm, and do for my clients and introduce them to what I learned from the big tax attorneys I used to work with. I get to work with professional athletes, meet people I never dreamed I would and be a part of some very cool stuff. It has proved to me that God is bigger than me, and maybe, just maybe, he is gonna take good care of me, in spite of me. Boy, am I glad I didn't cancel my subscription to air. Oh yeah, I also learned to never depend on your wife if its really important.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Gentleman Bears Win a Big One

WOW!! And did I say WOW!!


The mighty Gentleman Bears of the B scored a major victory last night at Cash Machine U (ATM for the uninformed).

The Bears fought through FIVE, that's FIVE overtimes to secure the win. With half the team fouled out, everyone got in the on the action.

Cash Machine U has decided to cancel the remainder of its season and spend its efforts trying to convice Billy G to come back. They have appropriated funds from Coach Fran's website to cover the cost of the Kentucky buyout. Kentucky has demanded four sets of false tooth and 149 cases of Rebel Yell.

Yessir, I said 5 Overtimes!

Coach Drew pulled a major upset over the 10th ranked Agrics to take the first meeting with the teams both being ranked in 93 years! Yaawwwwwsaaaa!

Congrats to Coach Drew and the Gentlemen Bears. I take back all those times when I made fun of our now dear coach. OK, not all of them.

Coach Drew giving out Man-Love

The players were exhausted after the big game, and just wanted to shower and get back to Waco were they will accept thier status as Demi-Gods.

Lacedarius Dunn wishing for a little privacy after the game

Congrats to the mighty Gentlemen Bears!

PS - be sure to vote in the current poll

Doom, Despair! and Agony on me!

Did you enjoy those 5 Super Bowl Trophies?

I hope you did! I hope you did!

Its more than just a HeeHaw line. The depression and gloom that hit cowboys fans everywhere was very real. We like us some winnin', and we don't like it when we ain't winnin', especially when we dun wun 13 games in the same year.

Literal depiction of the figurative NFL football storm currently brewing

After my beloved Cowboys lost, I had my hopes on the Packers to set things right in the football world. After the spanking the Pack handed out last week, I expected #25 to run for at least 150 yards. But alas, no running game yesterday!! Instead, we have the lowly New York Giants going to the Super Bowl.

Two of the Packers Superstars!!

I guess we have to give them credit for beating what most agree are the two best teams in the NFC. But lets face it. Eli Manning beating those two teams is just plain weird. But, you have to give the guy credit. He overcame alot of adversity and gayness to get where he is at. I guess some credit needs to go to the coordinators for the Giants. They had great game plans both weeks.

The Giants win-streak is weirder than a one-eyed cat

What we need to know, is who will be the next star quarterback to tear up the NFL? There are several who come to mind. I think Rhett Bomar, pictured below in his OU uniform, has a great chance to be the next star. Can he recover from the negative publicity from the scandal? It will be interesting to see who the next Tom Brady will be.

Will this be the next great NFL quarterback?

So for now, football season comes to a close. Feb 3rd will be here too soon, I will be another year older, and the cycle of life continues. Someday, maybe I will stop having my emotions so supercharged by football. God forbid I should be so passionate about starving kids, or church, or some other very worthy cause. Until then, Sic'em Bears!

How I became "Poopsandwich"

"That Poopsandwich name, thats a little much, aint it boy?"


" I cannot beleive you would select such a disgusting name to be called!"


Well, as is the case so many times, that name has its root in my kids.


To say that a road trip with the entire family is chaos, makes chaos look weak. Its a non-stop barrage of "i'm hungry, I'm thirsty, I need to tinkle," and "(you insert your own whiney turd comment here.)"


Somewhere between Waco and Hillsboro, after 30 straight minutes of whining about stopping at "Lone Star Cafe" in Hillsboro, and then the subsequent denial of such, it became too much.


My next to youngest, G for short, has the temperament of a boxer. She is friendly and basically sweet, but if you poke her with a stick, you will regret it very soon after. After the non-stop at Lone Star Cafe, she demanded a sandwich. At which point, I told her, "well how about a poopsandwich?" "Cause you can poop in one hand, and whine about a sandwich in the other, and see which one gets full faster!" (Good Lord people! Its an hour and 45 minutes to Waco! You are not going to starve!)

G if she was a guy

At the moment I issued the "poopsandwich" comment, the entire car erupted in laughter, well the entire care except me. I was still steaming. Oops, bad choice of words.

So to this day, the word poopsandwich is thrown around in various circumstances, usually followed by big belly laughs. The crazy dad makes another memory. So I thought why not...


I just love internet anonymity ;>)

Pregnancy anyone? How about a Vasectomy?

While reading a blog recently I was reminded of the fear I felt after my wife alerted me to our most recent pregnancy.

My wife is a hotty. Plain and simple. At over 40, she looks better than most women half her age. So its no big surprise that I just can't keep my hands off her. Its been that way most of our marriage.

My Hot Wife - OK, she just looks like Gena Lee

Me and the wife shortly before conception of our last child

But I digress. After she announced the pregnancy of our last child, I fell into a horrible depression. Grad school, meager finances, my surviving on 4-5 hours of sleep each night due to working full time and attending school full time. It just hit me. The next day, after I sobered up, I called a urologist and made an appointment.


He insisted on a "consultation" appointment first. So we could weigh the consequences of permanently damaging the pipes. I insisted that 7 kids was plenty, and that I was looking forward to shooting blanks. That in fact we had agreed to take the wheels off the baby carriage.

So it was, I should come in the next day for the procedure.


Having been in on all the births of my kids, and cutting the cord no less than 4 times, I felt it my god given right (and because i just like to mess with people) to guilt my bride into going into "the room" with me to have the procedure done. It was my finest work, and she was mortified. Although I rejoiced in my work, it would come back to haunt me.

When we arrived the next day, it was the Friday before the Cowboys' Super Bowl (not sure which one). I had been a good patient and taken my pills the doctor had given me to relax. I was majorly stoned. There is just no other way to put it. Having avoided pretty much all drugs for a very long time, these worked thier majic. Not being one to waste a good buzz, I located a ZZ Top CD and my personal CD player and rocked out all the way to the doc's office.

The nurses outfits that dreadful day

To celebrate the Cowboys good fortune, the nurses all wore Cowboys T-shirts and it appeared had gone to someplace that paints blue jeans on you. They were the tightest jeans ever, and left little to the imagination. The prospect of having a hot nurse in skin tight jeans wash Mr Winkie was not an altogether unpleasant thought. I had been married for a very long time, and Mr Winkie had been a one woman Winkie for a very long time. The thought of having another woman touch Mr. Winkie made me dizzy.

Me on the operating table

Well, this is where the tail goes bad, very bad actually.

As it turns out, I was not the only one who had noticed how hot the nurses were in that office. After we had arrived in the operating room, the hottest of the nurses came in to "prep" me for surgery. At this point the wife speaks up and asks the nurse, "you aren't going to wash him? are you?" WHAT?!?!?!? SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH UP?!?!!?! I thought silently to myself. My Christian sensabilities prevent me from ever cheating on my wife, so my only chance to be touched just vanished before me.


"Well, I was GOING TO" the nurse replied. She left the room and returned with a very annoyed doctor. Apparently, he likes to cut on guys weiners, but prefers not to wash them. He began the wash with a pissed off look at me, right in the eye. He then turned his attention to Mr. Winkie, who had gone from a state just south of excitement, to "cave dweller." He washed my scrotum with such force and verocity (yes, it fits) that I felt compelled to say something, even in my very stoned state.

You know how you tend to talk really loud when you have headphones on?, well I yelled out, "I usually like to wash down there, but I tend to not be that vigorous about it!" I looked up again, to see my wife with her head in her hands, and she appeared to be very white, like she might vomit at any moment. The nurse was bent over the counter laughing uncontrollably. The doctor paused to giggle for a moment, then resumed his torture, but only for a brief moment. At last I was "clean." My nads were already hurting at this point, and nothing had even been cut.





So the surgery begins with a syringe of topical pain killer. He dripped it on my scrotum, and it ran into/onto my rectum. At this point, I felt compelled (I just could not stop talking) to yell, in my best headphones on voice, "AAAUUUGGGGG, my ass is burning!!!" More laughter from the nurse.

Well, the burning didn't last long, and after a few snips, a slight tugging sensation a couple of times, and the smell of burning flesh (since we were sure, we had him coterize the tubes) we were done. The nurse had to help me put my clothes back on because wifey still had her head buried in her hands. She walked me to the front desk, and we were on our way.

My wife taking me home after surgery

I spent the remainder of that day, and half of the next day sitting on bags of ice and popping my pain pills from the good doc. I watched 4 movies, and when I later watched them again, I did not remember seeing them that weekend.

It was a good move and I am glad I did it. It was very liberating.


OK, now you have heard one of my favorite stories.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Its unlikely anyone noticed that I have been on hiatus since before Christmas, but I just wanted to say Happy New Year and a belated Merry Christmas.




The holidays are a fun time to many, and a giant whip to others. I always try to spend extra time with the kids for fun and memories, while others prefer dragging thier kids around behind a truck which usually never works out.

My girls

Me Modeling my new Christmas Outfit

May this coming year be your most prosperous ever, and may your new clothes fit as good as mine do.